I'm thinking of buying a scale. Hear me out.
I am still a supporter the idea of "Health at any Size." I am still proud of who I am and what I look like.
But 3 weeks ago this happened:My mom had a heart attack, at 55 years old. She had already been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, as had my dad. My maternal grandfather had died of a heart attack. My paternal grandmother has heart disease, had a triple bypass 10 years ago, and was in the hospital because of her heart 5 weeks ago. My paternal grandfather was diabetic before he passed away in October.
Heath-wise, this has not been a great year for the Bass clan.
Health-wise I have been okay, other than some skin conditions and joint pain. The joint pain is annoying, but something I could live with.
But, here's the thing: I don't want to live with it. Here's the other thing: I don't want to have a heart attack too.
For a long time, my doctors have been telling me that I would be in less pain if I lost some weight. For a long time, I have been telling them, that if I was healthy in other ways, could they be sure that it was my weight that was the problem? I'm active, and I eat healthily, how was my weight an issue?
In terms of my pain, I have tried everything else.
So I have changed a few things, yes with the end goal of losing weight.
But I refuse to pay into the billion-dollar industry that tells me I'm less than human because I'm fat.
Its going ok. I haven't weighed myself, but my clothes are bigger. I haven't noticed any change, but others have. Which is good I guess. Right? If I had a scale, I would have some concrete data to track my progress.
But I have some concerns.
1. I am afraid that this is going to turn into an unhealthy fixation with food and calories. I track everything I eat. I worry about calories in excess. I dream about the amount of calories I have for the day. I plan my day around what I can eat. Eating has turned from something I enjoy and look forward to, to a chore that is full of measurements and dissatisfaction. And in some way, I get a sick feeling of pride from this. "Look at my suffering! I am doing what a fat person should do. I am at war with food. I am a noble, and good fat person from being miserable with food." What am I doing to my self-esteem with this concentration on caloric input/output?
2. It's all for nothing. I will do this, and be largely unhappy doing it, and nothing will change. I will still be unhealthy and fat and have nothing to show for all this work. I will still have a heart attack anyways.
3. My fat friends/ blog buddies will shun me. Will this be a weight loss blog? Not likely. But I will share things that work for me from time-to-time; and products I like etc. Because this is a blog about me, and this is part of me now.
4. That I will send the wrong message about weight-loss and fatness. Because, sometimes, I get the message confused too. I feel good when someone compliments me on my "self-control" which is messed-up because they are really commenting on how my unhappiness is justified because I'm fat and enjoying food would be obscene. That I somehow agree with the idea that obesity is an "epidemic" and that thinness is the only way to be healthy.
5. Can I say that I'm a health at any size supporter, if I am "dieting?"
I know that I have some contradictory worries there, but, for me, this process is full of contradictions. I look forward to when exercise won't hurt. I'm happy when my clothing is too big-- which again is messed up because I am happy that I am literally starving myself. I want to be healthy, but I find myself wondering what my face will look like if I get thinner. I rail against the diet industry, but search their website for ideas and recipes. I say I'm against diets-- but aren't I on one technically?
Let's talk about this. I need help figuring some of this stuff out. Thanks for listening.